Dealing with the Government: A Guide for Successful Business Owners (Not for Losers)

Safety regulations, laws, and socialistic/commie cash drains have been trying to wear me down for decades. These evils all have something in common. They originate from the same source: The Government. This short handbook will illuminate readers on the three primary evils of government: taxes, laws, and regulations. And, we will discuss some practical jungle survival tips for business owners to deal with the government in the wild.

Disclaimer: None of what I say from hereon is advice. These are not suggestions, or even good or safe ideas. If you follow any of my recommendations, I won’t take any responsibility because I warned you not to do any of it. In other words, you are on your own. Good luck!

What is the Government?

In a nutshell, the government consists of millions of lethargic bureaucrats working in concert to stifle business growth and progress. The combined forces of these countless do-nothings has the unexpectedly awesome power to reverse both time and productivity.

Government workers love to create forms for you to fill out (speed bumps), regulations (headlocks), and laws (shackles + jail). They hate change, innovation, and efficiency. These are the people who proudly tell stories to their family & friends about the things they didn’t do, not the things they did. If they successfully stopped something/anything from getting done, then they had a good day.

None of my enemies in business come close to the awesomely awful power of government. When this assembly of losers choreographs their bureaucratic ballet, it generates a whirling blackhole that sucks harder than a discount hooker trying to catch up on late payments to a loanshark.

Taxes

I don’t like paying taxes. I never get my money’s worth when I invest in the government. Most of the time they just use my money to hire more bureaucrats to jam up my gears. Basically, paying taxes is digging my own grave and getting poorer at the same time.

It doesn’t matter how much money I give to the government, there are still potholes on the street I live on, and the DMV is still staffed with half-dead zombie librarians who would rather fart away their few last hours of existence before they give up the ghost than renew my driver’s license in a reasonable amount of time. No amount of money fixes these problems, which is indicative of a lack of appreciation for taxpayers’ hard-earned contributions.

Instead of freely collecting unearned taxes, the government should be forced to raise money with bake sales, car washes, guitar + singing, bell ringers, book sales, cattle auctions, begging, toll booths, jam/jelly of the month. I could keep going, but you get the idea. If the funding were earned, it would be appreciated, and therefore used more judiciously and effectively.

Regulations

The government always has another one coming down the chute. Never let your guard down! In fact, they have an perpetually erupting volcano of turds headed your way. When they splash, you better already have the flusher whirlpooling, a handful of toilet paper ready to go in one hand, and a plunger in the other. Forget about putting your pants back on. If you hesitate, you’ll have a huge uncontrollable mountain of shit to deal with. Being the captain of the ship is to always have your pants down. The timing of their attacks is never convenient.

Brace yourself by preparing for potential regulations before they are imposed on you and your business. Sometimes, you can circumvent their attacks by poaching staff from regulatory agencies. Hire them, put them in the basement, and pay them to do what they do best: nothing. Or, make them fill out the stupid government forms they created in their previous jobs.

Without a doubt, the most effective, but considerably more expensive way to protect yourself is to contribute to lawmakers’ reelection campaigns and send lobbyists with blank checks to get your hooks in deep. In this approach, there is a positive correlation between the dollars spent and the level of protection from regulations. This is your wrench in their gears.

Laws

New laws come to fruition when you, your cohorts, or counterparts in other organizations do something terrible and get caught, and the story gets out to the public. Widespread outrage ensues, and suddenly your failure to payoff witnesses and silence whistleblowers has real consequences. Legislators, who are beholden to their constituents, whip up laws to appease the demand for action. When the mob of angry voters and lawmakers show up on your front lawn with pitchforks and torches, it’s far too late to stick your finger in the dike to stop the flood.

To prevent these kinds of wildfire-like responses, the initial spark must be smothered before it can start a fire and incinerate your profits. In the early stages of a crisis, the lawmakers are entirely on your side because your contributions to their reelection campaigns make them deeply indebted to, and reliant upon, your support. They will bend over backwards to keep the dollars flowing. Even when they’re drafting laws that could lead to your imprisonment, they are still straddling the fence of whose side they’re on because they know that if you don’t go down in flames they will depend on your money later. They will only turn against you 100% if you are unquestionably doomed. A tell-tale sign that it’s ‘Game Over’ is if a new law or regulation is named after either the person you wronged or whoever tattled on you. If that happens, you might need to pack up your shit and make a run for it.

Surviving

You must accept that you can never achieve complete legal victory over the bureaucrats. They are an unconquerable, indefatigable beast that lives & shits in your jungle. Winning every legal battle will not win the war. Because, a new bureaucrat is created every minute and is then hired [to haunt you] using your tax dollars.

If a business operated like the government, extorting cash and employing goons to enforce their racket, that business would be systematically dismantled and its officers sent to prison. You and the government are playing by very different rules. They can punch you, but you can’t punch back. You can only try to slap them with your dick, but if you try, they’ll probably punch you in the balls.

Because complete legal victory is impossible, avoid locking horns with the government at all costs, and get some of them on your side before they set their sights on you. Politicians are pieces of shit, so they’re a great place to start building relationships. All they want in life is to be reelected and to secretly amass fortunes through corrupt side-dealing. They are simple, predictable empty suits like salesmen. So it is easy to stay two steps ahead of them. Just keep them entertained and fed like you would a stupid cat. As the saying goes, “If you feed the animal, you might be the last person who gets eaten.”

You’re Welcome

Leland “Lee” McKnight