Revolutionary Space Technologies

If humankind is to conquer the cosmos as we have conquered the seas, land, and frozen pizzas, we must ambitiously, enthusiastically, and literally reach for the stars. This will require innovation, and the participation of brave, pioneering scientists who are willing to propose wild ideas; sometimes (often) risking embarrassment and putting their professional reputations & careers in dire jeopardy.

In the realm of space technology, it is my opinion that we already have plenty of rockets. There are TOO MANY ROCKETS! How many more rockets could anyone need, or use? The time for rockets was last century. If we wish to have any hope of touching the stars before our inevitable planetary extinction, we have to go beyond just rockets and fancy slingshot technologies. This is where my company, Space Holdings and Industrial Technologies, enters the fray. We have prototyped multiple innovative & groundbreaking products that will catapult humankind beyond the dead end where rockets have taken us for the past decades. Allow me to introduce my company’s (S.H.I.T. Corp) line of revolutionary space products for your astonishment. Note: All scientific citations/references omitted, intentionally.

Solar Hat

There are already a LOT of hats. We retrofit them with our innovative solar panels and use them to capture the abundant solar energy in outer space. Considering the large number of hats in existence, and the size of the sun, the energy capture potential is nearly infinite. Our solar panels are unique in that we can manufacture them in the shape of a hat, and they can be easily taped, glued, or Velcro’d onto any semi-spherical hat shape.

Admittedly, the major disadvantage of Solar Hats is that astronauts’ heads must be pointed toward the sun at all times. So, depending on the time of day, the location in space, and the direction of travel, sometimes astronauts are not be able to look straight ahead and watch where they are going. This will inevitably lead to astronauts stubbing their toes on space rocks and crashing into comets, asteroids, and getting accidentally sucked into blackholes, etc. To prevent these incidents from occurring, they could remove the Solar Hat from their head and hold it out at arm’s length in different directions to keep it in the warm glow of the sun’s rays while maintaining their gaze upon the road ahead. But being a hat, it would only comfortably fit on their heads, so this workaround is sub-optimal, and unsustainable. Further testing is required if Solar Hat is to be a primary astronaut-propulsion fuel source, but as it is, it is already a viable option for astronauts to recharge their phones in the cold vacuum of space where power outlets are typically very hard to find.

Magnet Gloves

Our Magnet Gloves are

used to swing through the magnetic fields in space like monkey bars in a playground. They are tons of fun! Although Magnet Gloves [literally] give us the upper hand in Space Race 2.0, being bipedal creatures by nature, we might

better leverage the existing magnetic fields as a zero-gravity, zero-resistance running track. Mainly, because our arms will get tired long before we exhaust our legs. Unless of course, we were to send monkeys into space with Space Magnet gloves; in which case Magnet Gloves would be most effective. Now, I’m just free-styling and improvising here, but come to think of it, monkeys are not a bad idea at all. This segues us to our pioneering interstellar footwear technology.

Space Magnet Boots

The most innovative and effective product we have developed is undoubtedly our [unparalleled] Space Magnet Boots. An astronaut simply straps on the boots, steps outside their spaceship, and starts running. Because there is no friction, wind, or air resistance in space, they can run as fast as they wish.

A major [figurative] hurdle/challenge are the uncontrollable shapes & directions of the magnetic fields in space, which follow jagged, and sometimes circular, paths. As a result, astronauts speeding along these magnetic paths cannot run in straight lines. Although they can travel at limitless astronomical speeds to reach their desired destinations, they must often follow spiraling and zig-zagging paths to arrive there. In our early testing, we found that (for example) traveling from point A to B could be 50m in actual distance, but could require up to 50km of running in several different crazy directions and seemingly nonsensical circular routes; sometimes forward and backward, hopping side to side, handstands, etc. This poses a problem for astronauts who would need to pee because they would have to travel 50km distance to achieve a 50m displacement if they were to need to get back to the space bathroom. Obviously, we could implement mitigating technologies to address this problem. But this is not a unique problem for my company. In scientific circles, this vexing, unsolvable problem is typically referred to simply as the, “Where is the bathroom in Space?” problem; ‘WITBIS’ for short.

We offer two models of Magnet Boots; regular Space Magnet boots and a premium model with traction, for scenarios where astronauts find themselves running on actual physical surfaces. The regular model has zero traction, so an astronaut would slip and slide (See Physics: The Banana Peel Problem), whereas the premium model has some traction. As the name suggests, the premium model comes at a premium price. This is a business, after all! I suggest that you don’t be cheap though (if you're a business owner), because you will not want to be dealing with astronaut employee lawsuits that arise from totally preventable Banana Peel incidents when you could be spending your time and money on running through space instead.

Final Thoughts about Space Tech 2.0

As a startup company, our relentless enthusiasm and optimism are unwavering. We are confident that we will find a sweet spot where our space products have a real application as humankind explores the cosmos. In the very near future, we imagine astronauts wearing Solar Hats, Magnet Gloves, and Magnet Boots, and pinballing around space at heretofore unfathomable speeds.

If you cannot picture this future, then try to picture yourself in our rear-view mirror, trying to catch up to us in space. It might be difficult to see us though, through all the space dust we’ve kicked up in our wake as we hurtle toward infinity.